Cousins, aren’t they the best?

Hob Goblin

 

I’m a pork crackling breast fed baby!

At Sue’s 58th Birthday I ate obscene amounts of Pork Crackling on the premise that I was breastfeeding and so therefore my body would melt the fat and turn it into power juice breast milk.

I now have  a post crackling size 14 butt. I noticed this waddling along beside me in the mall today as I passed by shop windows. horror o horrors.

They had a big pig on a spit for the party. On round one I took a scoop of crackling worthy of your standard Sunday night pork roast, except I was the only one eating the pork roast and so had all the crackling.

Round two. I sent Pete up to get the aforementioned crackling, he brought back one whole dinner plate full of crackling and I put my hand up to my mouth in horror and exclaimed, (loud enough for all to hear), that ‘I could never possibly eat all that crackling!’ 20 minutes later, the plate was empty.

Round 3. Pete dropped me home to settle Annie-Rose to bed around 6 and then went back to the party. When he got home I was slumped on the sofa in a post pork crackling daze going through my expressing ritual. He came in with his hands behind his back, eyes full of crackling induced glee and said, ‘I have a surprise for you!’ and promptly withdrew a takeaway lunch box full of left over crackling.

‘Oh man’ I said as he set the box down beside me, ‘I couldn’t eat another piece of crackling’. ‘No worries’, says Pete and scoops it back up, ‘I’ll just put it in the fridge for tomorrow’ He got as far as the living room door before I screeched out in a crackling frenzy, ‘WAIT! perhaps just one more piece before we go to bed eh?’ I looked at him like I’ve just suggested having sex in an elevator. That box barely made it through the evening but what was left was sucked down for breakfast alongside our poachies.

I think I was pork drunk. Who eats that much crackling? Even the extremely obese would feel guilty after such debauchery. To make matters worse, as I’m writing this blog I’ve just finished watching New Zealand’s Next Top Model, the self loathing is at an all time high. Now where did I put my running shoes……

quotable quotes by kiwis

I was watching the morning breakfast news that is now hosted by Corin Dann and Petra Baghurst and is just not the same as being hosted by Pippa Wetzel and the racist, bigoted, sexist Paul Henry, who was outrageous and terrible but you couldn’t take your eyes off him like a car crash because invariably he would say something so outrageous your jaw would literally drop. to. the. floor. But I am not here to get into a debate about Mr Henry.

Corin and Petra do alright, she was a bit annoying at first and they dress her badly and one day she was doing an interview standing up and the camera panned down to her legs they were so skinny and akimbo they didn’t touch all the way to her pelvis and I felt a bit sick but again I digress, she seems to be working hard to make the public like her so lets leave her be eh?

No, the reason for this blog is that I was watching the breakfast show yesterday morning, as I do, with my cup of coffee in one hand and Annie-Rose in the other and they were doing a piece on a Kiwi Surfer girl who’s just won some big title (sorry I was only listening with half an ear) and they started to chuckle because apparently when interviewed and asked how she’d handled the waves she replied in true Kiwi style….

“I smacked that crap outta that one bro!”

Nice one love. Petra then commented that that should go down alongside another famous Kiwi quotable quote, that of Sir Edmund Hillary. After he and Tensing had reached Everest’s summit Hillary said:

"We knocked the bastard off"

Kiwi’s, we tell it like it is eh?

And just while I’m here, I will introduce you all to a long time favourite breakfast team of mine, Carl and Lisa who present the breakfast news and weather in Australia. I used to love waking up to them while we worked on the Gold Coast, it was a highlight of my day. Below is a clip of Carl being his usual endearing self while interviewing the Dalai Lama.

Carl, Dalai Lama clip